There are two types of professional anglers on the BassCaster tour: the kind like Tony "Golden Boy" Gold, who has his picture on a cereal box, gets the latest and greatest equipment for free, and has sponsors who treat him like a modern-age potentate. And then you have anglers like Billy Todd, who sleeps in his beat-up blue 1992 Ford pickup truck that sports a mismatching red fender.

Although he does have two sponsors, Todd sometimes wonders if they're worth the trouble. The first is the diaper company Dampers, which makes him wear a shirt with an infant's head on it and "pays" him in baby supplies to keep his young'uns diapered at home while he chases his dream. The second is Nyetski Outboards, a Russian company, with engines most notable for their massive size, excessive smokiness and unreliability.

Todd is considered to be a "bottom feeder" by anglers like Gold, who never hesitate to harass him. "Hey, Toad, why don't you paint that piece of junk you call a truck so it's at least all the same color? This is the big time, and it's losers
like you who keep us from being as hot as NASCAR. Why don't you get with the program, or get out!"

"Top of the morning to you, too, Gold Digger. Hey, with all your money, why don't you buy yourself a personality? And don't worry, because after this week, I'll be on top of the leaderboard since I grew up on this here lake."

"Yeah, right. You couldn't catch a fish with a depth charge."  

 Although he pretends not to be affected by taunts from Gold, Todd's ego is taking a beating. Since his cash flow is more like the drip from a leaky faucet, he has to find ways to save money, so instead of buying fishing line, he retrieves used line from the trash can from anglers like Gold, who changes his line every week. Unfortunately, the last time he did this, Gold saw him, but instead of razzing Todd for dumpster diving, he gets a devious idea: The next time he dumps his old line, he makes sure Todd sees him do it, but he weakens the line in spots with a lit match, so on the first day of the tournament, Todd loses several big fish. But Todd eventually figures out what's going on when Gold pulls aside and says, "Hey, Toad, it looks like you got a batch of defective lines. Maybe you should shop at a different store."

Todd's motto is "don't get mad, get even," so while he distracts Gold that night with a buxom blonde who pretends to be a huge fan, he goes to work on Gold's boat by stashing bananas everywhere, including jamming one far down his gas tank fill. Because Gold is one of those superstitious anglers with a deathly fear of yellow crescent-shaped fruit, the next morning he goes berserk while trying to get rid of them. He also loses several hours of prime fishing time before he can fuel up.

Gold retaliates by hiring someone who can fake a credible Russian accent and pretend to be a Nyetski engine technician to make sure that Todd's engine won't ever start again. 

To everyone's surprise, the next day Todd still wins the tournament with the largest stringer of fish ever caught in a BassCaster event, despite the fact he only has a trolling motor for propulsion. Unbeknownst to everyone else, the guy who drives the boat that releases the caught bass at the end of the day had a hot date last night with a buxom blonde. Instead of scattering the fish all around the lake like he was supposed to do, he dumped them at the boat ramp. At the winning ceremony, Todd kisses his wife, who coincidentally owns a blond wig and lots of padding.           


Illustration by Brian Buxton